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Monday, 20 July 2009

Currently
In My Arms (Remixes)
see related
It's not a problem. It's an opportunity

Life is filled with obstacles. They refer to it in many different ways.
Some say life is a game to be played. Some think life is a journey.
Some think it's a wheel and so on and so forth.

All these creative representations share some things in common.
These would include problems, joys, the so-called ups and downs etc.
I watched Evan Almighty last night with my sister on HBO.
God there pointed out that there are no such things as problems.
Everything is just an opportunity. Evan , in the movie,
was asked to build an ark which of course in the modern era
is downright crazy. God said that it was an answer to his prayer.
He prayed for help on changing the world and he was given
an opportunity to change the world. Her wife prayed for a closer family
and God gave them an opportunity to stick together as a family and
build the ark regardless of what other people think.

I was really struck by what God said because it really is how things work.
We need to see things in that way to stay sane at least.
It just makes sense. If you pray for courage God wouldn't just make
you feel courageous in a snap. Rather, he will give you an opportunity
to be courageous such as certain situations. We can then complain
about such an experience as a problem but in truth it was an opportunity
answering our prayer.

What do you think?

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

It's that voice.

i feel like such a jerk.
at the day i posted the previous post,
my mom called me.

then i heard THE voice.
i wanted to cry like a baby.
i wanted to comfort her but i couldn't.
i wanted to suffer for her but that's not possible.

she works far away.
but now due to recession and all,
she lost her job.
hearing her voice so urgent like that
drained the energy off of me.
she was having a very hard time
and i was just here being such a jerk.

my mom has always been the iron woman i looked up to.
she never seemed to show any sign of weakness.
my dad left us at an early age. (that's not for disccussion as of now)
so maybe she's just like me.
trying to be tough and strong beyond our limits.
*sigh* hearing her at the verge of crying was painful.

i'm still on my way to knowing what is wrong
and how i would fix it.
but i swear i don't wanna hear that voice again. EVER.

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Currently
Hold on Tight
By Hey Monday
how you love me now
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there's something wrong

i've been skipping class more frequently lately.
some i really was sick, some i aggravated my sickness,
some, very unfortunately, i faked being sick.
it sounds really horrible. i know and it makes me feel really bad too.

i've always been an achiever and i am no sickly gal.
sometimes i don't go to class cause i haven't finished
what was supposed to be done. why wasn't i done
in the first place? because i was always distracted. i lacked
the vigor i used to have in studying. there was too much
to be done (an inhuman amount). i was always tired.
but bottom line is i am to be blamed for whatever happens.

i know education is important and i have NO plans
of stopping. that is head on crazy. i just want to lie low.
i feel overused? not a very right term but the closest.
but then that would be failing by my very own
standards. that's right. i set my standards cause no one
will. what's the need? i wanna continue how it once was
when i never missed a minute of school and was always
at the top.

now i face reality and maybe i'm not as tough as i should be.
i'm not as strong as i appear and wish to be.
now i'm exhausted. my body yells "chill".

CHILL. big word.
can't scream

wow. i haven't written anything here for ages.
it really is hard to maintain a blog.
i mean, it's not like my life is a series people
pay to watch. there's not much happening.

anyhow, have i shared? i never screamed in my whole life.
you know those really high pitched girly screams
when they see a cockroach? or when the main character gets so frustrated?
or when the cheerleaders won the state championship?
that's the one. i haven't done that.EVER.

sure there have been loads of times when i wanted to scream
at the top of my lungs thinking that it would relieve whatever
pressure is building up inside me. i never had the guts to do it.
you read that right. GUTS. who ever thought you needed
guts to scream? it's a free act. true but then you have to
be strong enough to face those angry neighbors nerve wracked
by your scream. kidding. i dunno i just believe that screaming
requires a certain amount of guts.

then came a time when i was required to scream.
scream is not the right word. uhm, i was required to speak at the
loudest and clearest that i can. i couldn't do it.
all along i thought that i don't scream because
i'm worried of the consequences of screaming.
i might have been shy or scared of what others will think.
i thought that i just didn't have the right circumstances to scream.
i was wrong. I COULDN'T SCREAM even if i wanted to.
that sucks BIG TIME.

i dunno if my constant suppression made it that way.
so i had to deal with something screamo.
i can't scream so i slept. SLEEP is a magical thing.
it speeds time and somehow manages to make
your memories fade bit by bit.

SLEEP and SCREAM
they both start with S
(very random. sorry)

Sunday, 07 December 2008

dammit. i'm jealous

I’m listening to Broken by Lifehouse.
It makes me go all emotional. Darn.
Dammit. I’m jealous.
Maybe I’ve been overlooking her.
Maybe I haven’t given her the care, love, guide,
attention that she needs.
Maybe I don’t cuddle her in my arms that often.
Maybe we don’t talk that much.
Maybe I don’t know much of what’s going on in her life.
Maybe that’s because I’m too busy.
Maybe it’s because I thought it was okay like that.
Maybe it’s because I’m not an expressive person.
Maybe it’s because of the age gap.
Maybe I’m just a selfish and indifferent git.
Maybe.

I’ve been ranting. I’ve been complaining.
I didn’t think of what she must’ve been going through.
I’ve been full of maybes.
Now she’s drifting apart.
Now she’s looking for someone else.
Now my conscience bugs me.
I’ve been bad.
I’ve been unworthy of her.
She’s been too good for me.
I suck.
Dammit.
Now I’m filthy jealous of who she’s clinging to.
Dammit. Darn. Dang.